At one point in time, The Beatles were young, overly witty, brit-rockers who could turn a phrase, hit the notes, and crafted intelligent, catchy, pop-tunes that were very rock for their era. They wanted Beethoven to rollover. They wanted to be Paperback Writers, but just with a bit of Help!. You couldn’t buy them love, they always gave you a ticket to ride, and they could fall in love just by seeing a girl standing in a spot.
Then drugs became involved, the pop-iness of their songs became edgy, but more musically brilliant. Also, they became stupid hippies who just made phenomenal music. Their lyrics were fantastic, but full of bad advice to anybody who took them to be too literal. Here are some examples.
All You Need Is Love – Look, I am a fan of being in love and all of the benefits that ensue. However, “Love” is not all that you need. You need faith, you need some finances to pay bills and buy food. This is the kind of beat-nic hippy thinking that ruined a lot of people and a lot of musicians. As stated earlier, I am anti-hippy, and I will stand by that statement. This song is just too depressing. They repeatedly tell me that I am unoriginal and I should just cling to love. That is bad advice, this is how people become bums.
Let It Be – This kind of goes in line with the hippy stuff. You can’t just “Let It Be”!! This is why things don’t work, why the government can get away with whatever it wants. Instead of being active and involved, hippies “protest” the man by not getting jobs. Letting something stand as is will not help in the resolution of any problems and hinders progress. This is bad advice because it’s just plain lazy.
I Am the Walrus – Coo Coo CaChoo?!?!? What the hell man. The phrase “I am the Walrus” has nothing to do with anything in the song. This just promotes stupidity. This songs just goes a bit to far into the metaphors, and most people aren’t smart enough to follow.
Strawberry Fields Forever – Beautiful song, I’ll start with that. It is an amazing song, but it goes along the same lines as the aforementioned Walrus song. The lyrics are just a little too “out there”. I would like to see some research on how many people will admit that they went to a strawberry field when they heard this song. “Hey, The Beatles said they were going to a strawberry field forever, let’s go!!!”. This advice gives bad assistance on helping you find a location to live.
Happiness Is A Warm Gun – The title alone is bad advice. It makes you wonder if these guys were bipolar. First, all they need is love to be happy. Now, we’re talking about peeling caps and popping bitches with pistols. I’m just saying, it is surprising that Manson picked Helter Skelter when this song would’ve made way more sense.
Why Don’t We Do It In the Road – This is pretty self explanatory, right?!?! Look, the streets of even the smallest town in America are not a safe place to be doing the naughty. Period. I’m surprised people didn’t die from this. It makes me wonder if there was a period where the cops main duty in Great Britain was to keep people from doing it in the road. Do you think they had to hire extra constables for that?
Here Comes the Sun – How can you sing about the sun coming at us at full attack speed and tell me that it is alright. This is bad advice because it doesn’t instill the right amount of panic and fear into people during a natural disaster. This is an election year (it’s always an election year), fear should always play a greater role.
Monday, October 20, 2008
18 Unnecessary Risks
Life is full of things you would never do if you were using your brain, but that you still do because your intellect checks out on a regular basis. Here is a short list of things I’ve recently seen that should be avoided if possible.
Sandals/Flip Flops in a public restroom with urinals. Why? We’ve all accidentally had some urine splatter on us when we weren’t paying attention during a late night or early morning piss. It happens, but it is your own stuff, so it’s easy to justify. I went to a Big 12 football game a few weeks ago and I was amazed at how many dudes were wearing flip flops, getting pissed on by the random fella next to them. How is this a good idea?!?! I’m not saying that there is a huge health risk, but there is a monstrous risk at being grossed out. This happens all the time at bar urinals as well. Come on people, dress for your surroundings. Plus, flip flops and sandals aren’t as comfortable as shoes anyway.
Roman Candle Fights. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. How is this even relevant? Well, let me tell you, it makes for the highest level of entertainment watching a street duel with roman candles. More fun, two-on-two or three-on-three. It’s awesome to watch and a rush to participate in. That said, roman candles shoot rather unpredictably. There is no standard, each brand has it’s own random shot range. Some come out fast and go quite a distance, some are mostly duds. This greatly impacts the range of a roman candle fight, which is where part of the risk comes in. You know, and the fact that it is dark out, and some of them have firecrackers at the end. And you are usually drunk, otherwise you wouldn’t think it’s a good idea.
Marriage. 50% failure rate. How is this a good investment or life strategy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m married and ecstatic about it. However, I took my time and made sure I picked a compatible partner to be friends with for the rest of my life. She’s great and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Still, there is a 1 in 2 chance that most marriages will end in divorce!!! Come on, those are horrible odds, and it’s not like divorce is cheap. I’m moving on.
Climbing Fences. Do you remember how easy it was to climb a fence when you were in the 8-18 years-old range? Yeah, well the easy-going and fun nature of climbing fences rapidly decreases as you hit college. In college it is still necessary, by the time you are in your mid-twenties, this action needs to stop. Chain link is still pretty easy, but privacy fences aren’t built to hold 200 pounds of guy. Also, your shoes stop fitting in the gaps at some point. I don’t know when that was, but it is very important when it comes to climbing fences. The last time I climbed a fence, I almost busted my knee up and had strange marks on my hands for three hours. Just saying, knock on your neighbor’s door, it’s easier for everybody.
Road Rage. You don’t know anything about the person you are pissed at, so watch yourself. The guy in that little Geo Metro who isn’t going fast enough for you to make it to work on time could be a psychopath. I’m a big fan of yelling at people from my car, but even that is risky now. Apparently gangs drive around trying to incite people into road rage so they can start a fight. Sounds like a bad idea and a risk you should try to avoid.
Living in California. If the earthquakes don’t get you, the hippy liberals of Hollywood and San Francisco will. I’m just saying, at some point, Cali is breaking off into the ocean and will become an unstable island. Oh, and the cost of living is ridiculous. You could go from middle-management to homeless bum in a matter of months. I’m just saying, things move fast out there, and I don’t think the payout is worth the gamble.
Personal Calls at Work. Nothing is private in cubicle-world. Nothing. Even taking your cell phone to the break area or outside isn’t going to cut it. Letting your personal life out at work has zero benefit. Letting somebody hear you talk about how your cracked out ex broke into your house and stole shit last weekend is not good for your career. Companies want people they think have it together, on and off the clock. So why would you let strangers hear about your screwed up love life and how you love somebody who doesn’t love you back or cheated on you. Seriously ladies, where is the upside?!? Yeah, I just directed this one at the ladies. How many guys do you know who have this problem? That’s what I thought. The worst things a guy talks about are his sexual conquests and how boozed up he got last weekend. There is no comparison to the drama level that most women are unashamed to bring to the office. There is no glass ceiling, there are just people who don’t know how to separate their personal life and work.
Nintendo Wii with children. This goes along the lines of any activity with children from ages 3-10. They lack the coordination to know exactly what is going to happen next. Legs randomly kick, balls go flying towards windows. Bats, rackets, and Wii controllers go flying towards balls. It’s just a risk that, while probably totally worth it, is questionable. Yeah, the payout is great, but there is a lot of danger involved in playing with kids. Plus, people get paranoid around kids. A completely innocent act could get you arrested for neglect, abuse, or even molestation. I’m just saying, watch yourselves out there.
Sandals/Flip Flops in a public restroom with urinals. Why? We’ve all accidentally had some urine splatter on us when we weren’t paying attention during a late night or early morning piss. It happens, but it is your own stuff, so it’s easy to justify. I went to a Big 12 football game a few weeks ago and I was amazed at how many dudes were wearing flip flops, getting pissed on by the random fella next to them. How is this a good idea?!?! I’m not saying that there is a huge health risk, but there is a monstrous risk at being grossed out. This happens all the time at bar urinals as well. Come on people, dress for your surroundings. Plus, flip flops and sandals aren’t as comfortable as shoes anyway.
Roman Candle Fights. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. How is this even relevant? Well, let me tell you, it makes for the highest level of entertainment watching a street duel with roman candles. More fun, two-on-two or three-on-three. It’s awesome to watch and a rush to participate in. That said, roman candles shoot rather unpredictably. There is no standard, each brand has it’s own random shot range. Some come out fast and go quite a distance, some are mostly duds. This greatly impacts the range of a roman candle fight, which is where part of the risk comes in. You know, and the fact that it is dark out, and some of them have firecrackers at the end. And you are usually drunk, otherwise you wouldn’t think it’s a good idea.
Marriage. 50% failure rate. How is this a good investment or life strategy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m married and ecstatic about it. However, I took my time and made sure I picked a compatible partner to be friends with for the rest of my life. She’s great and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Still, there is a 1 in 2 chance that most marriages will end in divorce!!! Come on, those are horrible odds, and it’s not like divorce is cheap. I’m moving on.
Climbing Fences. Do you remember how easy it was to climb a fence when you were in the 8-18 years-old range? Yeah, well the easy-going and fun nature of climbing fences rapidly decreases as you hit college. In college it is still necessary, by the time you are in your mid-twenties, this action needs to stop. Chain link is still pretty easy, but privacy fences aren’t built to hold 200 pounds of guy. Also, your shoes stop fitting in the gaps at some point. I don’t know when that was, but it is very important when it comes to climbing fences. The last time I climbed a fence, I almost busted my knee up and had strange marks on my hands for three hours. Just saying, knock on your neighbor’s door, it’s easier for everybody.
Road Rage. You don’t know anything about the person you are pissed at, so watch yourself. The guy in that little Geo Metro who isn’t going fast enough for you to make it to work on time could be a psychopath. I’m a big fan of yelling at people from my car, but even that is risky now. Apparently gangs drive around trying to incite people into road rage so they can start a fight. Sounds like a bad idea and a risk you should try to avoid.
Living in California. If the earthquakes don’t get you, the hippy liberals of Hollywood and San Francisco will. I’m just saying, at some point, Cali is breaking off into the ocean and will become an unstable island. Oh, and the cost of living is ridiculous. You could go from middle-management to homeless bum in a matter of months. I’m just saying, things move fast out there, and I don’t think the payout is worth the gamble.
Personal Calls at Work. Nothing is private in cubicle-world. Nothing. Even taking your cell phone to the break area or outside isn’t going to cut it. Letting your personal life out at work has zero benefit. Letting somebody hear you talk about how your cracked out ex broke into your house and stole shit last weekend is not good for your career. Companies want people they think have it together, on and off the clock. So why would you let strangers hear about your screwed up love life and how you love somebody who doesn’t love you back or cheated on you. Seriously ladies, where is the upside?!? Yeah, I just directed this one at the ladies. How many guys do you know who have this problem? That’s what I thought. The worst things a guy talks about are his sexual conquests and how boozed up he got last weekend. There is no comparison to the drama level that most women are unashamed to bring to the office. There is no glass ceiling, there are just people who don’t know how to separate their personal life and work.
Nintendo Wii with children. This goes along the lines of any activity with children from ages 3-10. They lack the coordination to know exactly what is going to happen next. Legs randomly kick, balls go flying towards windows. Bats, rackets, and Wii controllers go flying towards balls. It’s just a risk that, while probably totally worth it, is questionable. Yeah, the payout is great, but there is a lot of danger involved in playing with kids. Plus, people get paranoid around kids. A completely innocent act could get you arrested for neglect, abuse, or even molestation. I’m just saying, watch yourselves out there.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Damn You Guitar Hero
Jaded reasons I hate myself for loving Guitar Hero:
I hate you guitar hero. I fought you off for years, and now you've sucked me in. What did all that effort get me, a first class ticket to Hypocrite City. Now I look like more of an ass than usual. In any case, here are the reasons.
#1) I play the real guitar. I’m not great, but I am far from bad, and have been playing for about 8 years. I’m not in band, but that’s mostly because I am far too lazy to want to learn cover songs and “pay my dues”. Plus, it is mostly just a hobby to keep my fingers busy. That said, my musical nature had made me snobbish towards this game, and I liked that. Why would I play a video game of something that I can do in real life (see South Park episode with Stan’s dad and his guitar). It would be like playing a video game about running a customer service team in the insurance industry. I already do that, I don’t need the game. In any case, I love playing guitar and can even play a lot of the songs found on the Guitar Hero games note for note, but I still love playing a video game. Yet, something about this game ensnares me. I feel like I should be beating myself up for playing this game….. but please don’t beat me up.
#2) I love the social nature of the game. There are not a lot of video games that anybody can get in to, but most people really like music. Not everybody likes watching me play NBA Live or Star Wars Lego or Halo, but they can enjoy the Guitar Hero games. It adds a social dimension to the game that playing the real guitar or playing other video games lacks. Also, it is completely against the musical snobs of the world. I love music, but am anti the music snob. Nobody should be able to tell you that what you like is dumb, especially with something as subjective as music. In any case, the musical nature means that anybody who enjoys music, can enjoy the game. Seriously, anybody can do it, even my fiancé, who hates my real guitars, loves this game, and even enjoys watching me play a little bit. That is saying a lot.
#3) I hate to say it, but I am still obsessed with having the high score on video games. Less obsessed than I used to be when I would pump $8 in to an arcade game when I was 12, but more obsessed than I am with putting a few dollars into a pinball machine when I am at the bar. I want to be dominant at this game. Absolutely dominant.
#4) I literally played for the first time four days ago….and I was good. It took me one and a half tries to become the third best player in the room. It was kind of sad that I was better than people who’ve been playing for years, but it felt right. I could kind of figure out the patterns of the buttons because a) I knew a lot of the songs really well, b) I know how to play a lot of them on the real guitar, and c) I’ve always been good about picking up on patterns and trends (not just in video games, but in real life too). Seriously, does anything feel better than picking something up, expecting to be a novice, and then it turns out you are great? Anything, no, probably not. This is probably what Kobe Bryant felt like the first time he picked up a basketball and realized he could beat kids who were 6 years older than him.
#5) This sounds stupid, but I love the controller. I know it looks stupid in the hands of a full-grown adult who is 6’3” and 200 pounds. Still, it makes it unique to other games and I find myself surprised that nobody came up with this idea a long, long time ago. This is as close a step to virtual reality gaming as we’ve got so far. I’m not a big gamer, but it seems like an important step, right up there with playing online and the Wii. Next step is the helmet with the gloves that puts you inside an alternate reality.
#6) As a music lover, I can embrace where this is going. This is going to be another platform for artists to get their guitar-driven music out to the public. MTV doesn’t play music anymore and radio only plays what they are paid to play. There are a lot of different avenues to get your music out to people developing online, but Guitar Hero could be a way to get your name and music out to the masses. Slash has accepted this, heck, Aerosmith is making a Guitar Hero game based off of their career and songs as another way to reach a new generation of listeners (also, it is a good way for Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo to bring in new gamers). Seriously though, the potential here is great. From downloading new songs for your Guitar Hero game from your favorite artists or new songs that can be promoted through their websites, I think this is something that both the gaming and music industries should jump on board with.
Seriously, I shouldn't be this excited for these video games. It leaves me vexed, I'm terribly vexed.
I hate you guitar hero. I fought you off for years, and now you've sucked me in. What did all that effort get me, a first class ticket to Hypocrite City. Now I look like more of an ass than usual. In any case, here are the reasons.
#1) I play the real guitar. I’m not great, but I am far from bad, and have been playing for about 8 years. I’m not in band, but that’s mostly because I am far too lazy to want to learn cover songs and “pay my dues”. Plus, it is mostly just a hobby to keep my fingers busy. That said, my musical nature had made me snobbish towards this game, and I liked that. Why would I play a video game of something that I can do in real life (see South Park episode with Stan’s dad and his guitar). It would be like playing a video game about running a customer service team in the insurance industry. I already do that, I don’t need the game. In any case, I love playing guitar and can even play a lot of the songs found on the Guitar Hero games note for note, but I still love playing a video game. Yet, something about this game ensnares me. I feel like I should be beating myself up for playing this game….. but please don’t beat me up.
#2) I love the social nature of the game. There are not a lot of video games that anybody can get in to, but most people really like music. Not everybody likes watching me play NBA Live or Star Wars Lego or Halo, but they can enjoy the Guitar Hero games. It adds a social dimension to the game that playing the real guitar or playing other video games lacks. Also, it is completely against the musical snobs of the world. I love music, but am anti the music snob. Nobody should be able to tell you that what you like is dumb, especially with something as subjective as music. In any case, the musical nature means that anybody who enjoys music, can enjoy the game. Seriously, anybody can do it, even my fiancé, who hates my real guitars, loves this game, and even enjoys watching me play a little bit. That is saying a lot.
#3) I hate to say it, but I am still obsessed with having the high score on video games. Less obsessed than I used to be when I would pump $8 in to an arcade game when I was 12, but more obsessed than I am with putting a few dollars into a pinball machine when I am at the bar. I want to be dominant at this game. Absolutely dominant.
#4) I literally played for the first time four days ago….and I was good. It took me one and a half tries to become the third best player in the room. It was kind of sad that I was better than people who’ve been playing for years, but it felt right. I could kind of figure out the patterns of the buttons because a) I knew a lot of the songs really well, b) I know how to play a lot of them on the real guitar, and c) I’ve always been good about picking up on patterns and trends (not just in video games, but in real life too). Seriously, does anything feel better than picking something up, expecting to be a novice, and then it turns out you are great? Anything, no, probably not. This is probably what Kobe Bryant felt like the first time he picked up a basketball and realized he could beat kids who were 6 years older than him.
#5) This sounds stupid, but I love the controller. I know it looks stupid in the hands of a full-grown adult who is 6’3” and 200 pounds. Still, it makes it unique to other games and I find myself surprised that nobody came up with this idea a long, long time ago. This is as close a step to virtual reality gaming as we’ve got so far. I’m not a big gamer, but it seems like an important step, right up there with playing online and the Wii. Next step is the helmet with the gloves that puts you inside an alternate reality.
#6) As a music lover, I can embrace where this is going. This is going to be another platform for artists to get their guitar-driven music out to the public. MTV doesn’t play music anymore and radio only plays what they are paid to play. There are a lot of different avenues to get your music out to people developing online, but Guitar Hero could be a way to get your name and music out to the masses. Slash has accepted this, heck, Aerosmith is making a Guitar Hero game based off of their career and songs as another way to reach a new generation of listeners (also, it is a good way for Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo to bring in new gamers). Seriously though, the potential here is great. From downloading new songs for your Guitar Hero game from your favorite artists or new songs that can be promoted through their websites, I think this is something that both the gaming and music industries should jump on board with.
Seriously, I shouldn't be this excited for these video games. It leaves me vexed, I'm terribly vexed.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
You Deserve to be Tased
This is a topic that has me exceedingly disturbed, and unfortunately, I may be on the wrong side of this argument. In fact, I am so bothered by this that I will be abandoning the standard listing of reasons and will just write. In the last few weeks several police departments have come under scrutiny for their use of tasers on civilians who are breaking the law and not obeying the orders of these officers. Sadly, I am on the side of the police officers in each of the big three news stories. Each story is completely unique, so I’m going to dissect each one, and why I am on the side of the cops. I am going to go chronologically in the order they were reported, not necessarily the order they actually happened.
The first story was about a 56 year-old grandma. . . . in a wheelchair. . . . . who happened to be schizophrenic . . . . . and was in her sisters lawn . . . with two knives . . . . yeah, she was threatening her sister to the point that she called the cops. So the police arrive with 2 cars, 4 people. They surround her, try to restrain her and can’t do it without risking getting sliced up. So they tased her. Unfortunately, she has a pre-existing heart condition that they don’t know about and the tasing, while not knocking her out, ended up killing her by causing her heart to fail.
Here is why I am on the side of the law. This is a lose-lose situation for them. Either they physically harm the threatening person, and risk getting sued by hurting them, or they don’t restrain the violent person and somebody gets hurt . . . . and then they get sued for neglect.
Seriously, if you call the cops to remove a violent person from being in your vicinity, you can’t complain when they do it effectively and keep you safe. Even more so in the case of your knife-wielding, violent, head-case of a sister who, in all fairness, was going to die sooner rather than later. Honestly, this kind of smells like a set up to me. The family probably knew what the cops would do, knew about the heart problem, and said, let’s see if we can get rich quick. They even had a lawyer filing paperwork before the autopsy was completed. This is why stupid people ruin the world for the rest of us. This is what happens when you don’t tell the cops your knife-wielding, wheelchair-ridden, crazy sister has a heart condition. I am against suing people who did their job right.
The second story was the jackass college student who verbally accosted Senator John Kerry at the end of a Q & A session on a Florida campus. You know the headline “Don’t Tase Me Bro”, yeah, this is the one. He asked him a ludicrous question, which Senator Kerry was going to answer. However, instead of calmly waiting for the answer, the kid became combative, cutting Senator Kerry off, raising his voice, and, in general, ranting at him the way you rant at the person who just cut you off during rush hour. So the police ask him to step away from the mic; the kid refuses and keeps yelling at Senator Kerry while the Senator tries to calm the crowd (which was weird, because usually his voice puts people to sleep).
In any case, after “failing to comply with a lawful order” and being warned multiple times of what they will do to him if he continues down this path, the police began to physically remove him from the premises. So what does this Birkenstock-wearing, collar-popping, hippy do (that isn’t an exaggeration, look at his picture in the link at the end of the blog)? He fights back and physically tries to keep the police from touching him, and that’s a big no-no.
Despite his pleas, and the ever-quotable “don’t tase me bro”, he gets tased several times. Still, he keeps pushing back and resisting their efforts to get him out of the room. Regardless, I’ve used the word resisting several times for this one, and that is important. When the police tell you to do something, and you don’t, you are breaking the law. Now, I don’t think the kid should’ve been tasered. He wasn’t physically threatening anybody, he was just a pain in the ass who needed a lesson. Still, if you don’t listen to the cops, you are going to get something you don’t want. Be it a ticket, some handcuffs and a squad car ride, or being tasered six or seven times for five seconds a pop.
The third and final story is probably the funniest. A drunk girl gets belligerent at a bar. The cops are called to remove her. She resists, runs away, hides in a car that isn’t hers (behind the steering wheel no less), gets caught, and runs again. On the second running, the cops tased her, because, by Ohio state law, if you are drunk and in the drivers seat, you are driving drunk, even without keys. Still, so she gets tasered and writhes in pain on the ground in full view of the cop cars video camera (it makes sense that she is in pain, you are being filled with volts of electricity, not taking a bubble bath). This is where it gets good. They put her in the back of the cop car, she is on soooo much crap that she kicks the window out between her and the cop, so he has to tase her some more. He calls to get a car with a cage, and she is still fighting, and when being moved from one car to the next, tries to escape again. More tasering ensues. In any case, she gets arrested, taken downtown, booked, etc….
This story happened over a month ago, and now that she sees the other people getting tasered and the people in New York suing the cops, she is going to sue. This is the final lesson in dealing with the police. If you are drunk in front of the cops, don’t run, fight off every tough person urge and bit of paranoia in your body to just sit still. Typically, they just take you to detox and a friend can get you, or you get out in the morning. Seriously, she went from being asked to leave a bar for being drunk and belligerent, to probably going to jail, or at least being put on probation.
The reason these stories are important is that they bring to light the fact that the taser, with all of its minor electrocution fun, is the billy club of the 21st century. In the days of old, each of these people would’ve taken a lump or two to the head, chest, or legs, been restrained, and it would’ve been over-with. Now, the nightstick is too blunt, too violent, and possibly too easy to permanently hurt somebody. So we’ve moved beyond it into transportable electrocution. And you know what, I couldn’t be happier. Anything that punishes people in a temporary way for being idiots and wasting the time of the police is great by me.
So enjoy your tax dollars at work people, watch somebody get tased the next night you are out on the town at closing time. And don’t forget to applaud your officer for his efficient use of a new technology. Read the articles, see if you agree with me.
http://www.gainesvillesun.com/article/20070918/NEWS/709180325/1007/NEWS
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/louisville-ky/TQQJPOC013NVKSPG4
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
18 Reasons Poker Is Not A Sport
Look, I know poker has become increasingly popular to play and to watch over the last few years. It is trendy to the point that it takes over ESPN for one month each year under the premise that because it is competition, it is sport. B.S. I say. This should not be on ESPN, and while I'm at it, I want bowling, darts, and pool removed from ESPNs programming. These are a different form of competition that are not sport, and as such, need a different channel. Even if ESPN created another channel dedicated to competitive things you can do drunk, that would be acceptable. Regardless, here is part of the case against poker being a sport.
- Athletic ability is irrelevant. The majority of players in any sport should be athletic enough to participate in another sport. Even those mammoth offensive/defensive linemen in the NFL could at least do boxing or UFC type stuff, not to mention their ability to do World’s Strongest Man competitions (which do count as a sport). If you can find me more than a dozen seasoned “professional” poker players that could participate on the professional level in any other sport, I may consider relenting this argument. Until then, this is the biggest argument against poker being a sport. It should be noted that golf is the grey area. Athletic ability helps, but is not required to be good (i.e. John Daly or any other golfer over the age of 40).
- Too much luck, not enough skill/preparation required. Anything that you can play better in/at and still lose to a random person in a seat, purely by chance, is not a true sport. Sport is about competing and having the better player/team becoming victorious. I’m not saying there isn’t some chance or luck involved, but they usually aren’t one of the top 3 criteria that will lead you to a win. Winning a poker tournament requires so much luck that it removes any semblance to a true competition. That’s my bottom line.
- I can play poker while hammered, and win. That was a pretty explanatory sentence. If you can be successful at something while drinking/smoking, it is not a sport. Unfortunately this is another reason golf is a grey area, along with slow pitch softball and volleyball.
- It can be played in somebody’s garage at 3 in the morning. This reason draws a lot of parallels between poker and video games. Seriously, they are competition, they test the skills of another “competitor”, etc…. Still, they both involve you sitting in a chair and playing a game. If poker is a sport, then so are video games, and I cannot live with that hanging over our civilization.
- No reflexes or hand-eye-coordination are required. This is something that even video games require. Seriously, I won’t let this happen on my watch. Also, what is the difference between this and any other card game (pitch, spades, dueling solitaire) other than it is played for money. Clue me in on the disparity, please.
- No payback for lipping off. Baseball has the high-and-inside brush back pitch. Football has receivers coming across the middle and late hits. Basketball has intentional fouls eight feet in the air. Hockey, well, hockey has actual fights. Poker is full of mouth SOBs getting cocky because they hit a lucky-ass river card and took a good chunk of someone’s stack. Congratulations, you got lucky, now act like it was intentional. Unfortunately for poker, there is no way to punish these clowns other than to wait. Wait for it to happen to them, and then mock them until they cry. While it is cool to make another dude cry under the pressure of competition, to do so without violence (actual or attempted) does not carry the same weight as it does in actual sports.
- It’s one month season. . . . in Vegas no less, where so few professionals have placed in the top 10 in the last few years that it boggles the mind that they still make money “teaching” people their “secrets”. Could you ever imagine a major golf or tennis tournament in which only 2 of the top 25 players in the world made it into the final ten spots and still made loads of money just for showing up for the tournament? No, you can’t! What a joke. Not to mention, most of them don’t make their money by winning the tournaments, they make their money playing in back-room games and in advertising. I’m done with this crap of people calling poker a sport.
- The biggest reason is the most simple; in any other professional sport, you cannot learn to be a professional. Either you are blessed with the God-given ability and drive, or you aren’t. Poker is not like that. Don’t misunderstand, there are naturals at poker, but you can also grow into being a great poker player by learning those traits. You can’t learn to be 6’10” with a 42” vert and a smooth jumper, or 6’6” 280 pounds of muscle that can run the 40-yard dash in 4.7 seconds. Those are the types of things that differentiate a 6’3” slow white kid who can hit a jumper and Kevin Durant, or the big dude who is the wing-eating champion at your local BWs and, well, any offensive or defensive lineman in the NFL. You can’t learn to have that right combination of size, skill, and athleticism that professional sports require.
In summary, I can fully concede that poker encompasses some of the spirit of sports. It is a form of competition that requires loads of mental toughness, discipline, and concentration to be consistently good. That is why poker it isn’t a sport, luck trumps skill most of the time. It is a crapshoot between the lucky guy and the person who plays the best game in terms of focus and playing the odds. That’s it, and usually the lucky person wins. So let’s get this garbage off of ESPN so I can have one of my favorite networks back.Thursday, September 13, 2007
18 Things I've Been Wrong About (abridged version)
I'm not wrong about things often. It's the advantage of being overly smart, analytical, and nto going out on a ledge very often, but here is a short list of some of my recent mistakes:
The Killers - Seriosly, I refused to buy into the hype until after the second album came out. It wasn’t even that I didn’t like the songs that were out. I just thought they were doing a retread of 80’s songs that I didn’t like. Easily my biggest musical mistake of the last decade. Worse than being a huge Limp Bizkit fan. I assumed they were trying to be overly 80’s, and that is something I am just not cool with. In any case, after being forced to listen to the CD while playing poker one night, I decided to give it a sober shot. It was great, so I downloaded, errr, I mean bought, the second CD, which I also fell in love with. Now I look like a jackass for fighting it for a year and a half, but at least I’m enjoying the music. Even saw them live last week and they were amazing. So much energy and it sounded flawless. Loved it, my bad.
Drinking the night before an early flight – What!?!? I wanted a few drinks before an early morning flight to D.C. I used to do it all the time for our annual flight to Vegas for a guys trip. I’ve been able to do it my entire adult life, why should that change now? Apparently, when you are 3 days away from turning 28, drinking until 1 and waking up at 3:30 for a 5:00 flight is just not a good idea. Who knew? I mean seriously. Just because they probably didn’t have to let me on the plane since I was still wasted doesn’t make this the worst mistake I’ve ever made. It just puts it in the top 18. It lost points on the mistake-o-meter because I miraculously avoided the hangover.
Taking 1 year off to finish my graduate degree – Yeah for me, I have an MBA! I was two-thirds of the way there when I was given an opportunity (financially speaking) to take some time off from work and go full-time to wrap it up in 8 months. I thought this was brilliant, b/c I really would’ve been just part-time for the last 4 months and would have no problem getting a job. Unfortunately, in today’s job market, companies do not want to have to work around your schedule. No matter how talented you may be, or how willing they are to have you call back after your done (if they have another opening like the one you were interviewing for), they don’t bend the rules. Here it is, a little over two years after the first move, and I have a crap job, now because companies are worried I took 8 months off. Blah, I think I just threw up a little.
Chinese Food – Maybe my taste buds changed. Maybe it was a mental thing. I don’t know, but I used to hate this stuff. Seriously, it made me gag. Now, I don’t care if they tell me it is made of dog meat, I won’t be able to stop eating the chicken fried rice. It is now a staple of my diet and I have my fiancée to thank for peer-pressuring me into giving it another shot. Thanks for making me look stupid for 26 years of hating Chinese food.
AM Radio – I hadn’t listened to morning radio in quite a while until recently. Let me tell you something I learned: morning FM talk shows are the biggest waste of airtime radio stations could possibly come up with. Seriously, when I wake up, I want to know what is going on in the world, not to hear some jack-ball crack fart jokes and yell and rant about nothing. It’s too early for that crap. These things should be on during rush hour in the P.M. I honestly can hardly find a station that plays more than 3 songs an hour, and that station makes up the difference by going to commercial every 11 minutes. Worthless. If you want to know whats going on, you have to go AM, be it news, weather, sports, politics, or, well, it doesn’t matter. Nothing of substance is said on the FM stations during the morning. I repeat nothing. As such, I have started doing just AM for my morning drive, and am a better person for it.
Hilary Clinton – I once said I would move to Canada if she became president. Now it appears I may have to eat my words, because I won’t move to Canada. Too cold, and too many hippies. Clinton is poised to be the democratic party’s nominee, and the republicans cannot seem to muster a single person who is likely to beat her. Of course, that is in a one-on-one race, and presidential races aren’t that. It’s about parties, vice-presidential candidates, sponsors, and values. Fortunately for me, the republicans can probably throw a due together that can beat her and whomever she pairs with, but still, this is way too close to call. I was certain nobody in the democratic party would even let her consider running. That was one level of wrong. Here representing the donkey party during a presidential campaign is a special type of top-five-hangover wrong that I really don’t like being. If she wins and becomes the first female president, that takes me to a new level that I’ve never been to, kicked in the groin while having a top 5 hangover. I don’t think anybody wants that.
The New York Knicks – I thought they had put so much into their payroll and paired some stars at the end of their careers with some young hungry players and would be an instant contender. I was way off. They are easily one of the worst teams in the NBA over last few years. As usual, when I do go out on a limb, it breaks.
I know it’s nowhere near 18, that’s the point, remember. Plus, I’m not wrong about things and stuff very often. Also, I didn’t consult with people around me to tell me about other things I’ve been wrong about, so take that into consideration too. As always, I await to be proven wrong.
The Killers - Seriosly, I refused to buy into the hype until after the second album came out. It wasn’t even that I didn’t like the songs that were out. I just thought they were doing a retread of 80’s songs that I didn’t like. Easily my biggest musical mistake of the last decade. Worse than being a huge Limp Bizkit fan. I assumed they were trying to be overly 80’s, and that is something I am just not cool with. In any case, after being forced to listen to the CD while playing poker one night, I decided to give it a sober shot. It was great, so I downloaded, errr, I mean bought, the second CD, which I also fell in love with. Now I look like a jackass for fighting it for a year and a half, but at least I’m enjoying the music. Even saw them live last week and they were amazing. So much energy and it sounded flawless. Loved it, my bad.
Drinking the night before an early flight – What!?!? I wanted a few drinks before an early morning flight to D.C. I used to do it all the time for our annual flight to Vegas for a guys trip. I’ve been able to do it my entire adult life, why should that change now? Apparently, when you are 3 days away from turning 28, drinking until 1 and waking up at 3:30 for a 5:00 flight is just not a good idea. Who knew? I mean seriously. Just because they probably didn’t have to let me on the plane since I was still wasted doesn’t make this the worst mistake I’ve ever made. It just puts it in the top 18. It lost points on the mistake-o-meter because I miraculously avoided the hangover.
Taking 1 year off to finish my graduate degree – Yeah for me, I have an MBA! I was two-thirds of the way there when I was given an opportunity (financially speaking) to take some time off from work and go full-time to wrap it up in 8 months. I thought this was brilliant, b/c I really would’ve been just part-time for the last 4 months and would have no problem getting a job. Unfortunately, in today’s job market, companies do not want to have to work around your schedule. No matter how talented you may be, or how willing they are to have you call back after your done (if they have another opening like the one you were interviewing for), they don’t bend the rules. Here it is, a little over two years after the first move, and I have a crap job, now because companies are worried I took 8 months off. Blah, I think I just threw up a little.
Chinese Food – Maybe my taste buds changed. Maybe it was a mental thing. I don’t know, but I used to hate this stuff. Seriously, it made me gag. Now, I don’t care if they tell me it is made of dog meat, I won’t be able to stop eating the chicken fried rice. It is now a staple of my diet and I have my fiancée to thank for peer-pressuring me into giving it another shot. Thanks for making me look stupid for 26 years of hating Chinese food.
AM Radio – I hadn’t listened to morning radio in quite a while until recently. Let me tell you something I learned: morning FM talk shows are the biggest waste of airtime radio stations could possibly come up with. Seriously, when I wake up, I want to know what is going on in the world, not to hear some jack-ball crack fart jokes and yell and rant about nothing. It’s too early for that crap. These things should be on during rush hour in the P.M. I honestly can hardly find a station that plays more than 3 songs an hour, and that station makes up the difference by going to commercial every 11 minutes. Worthless. If you want to know whats going on, you have to go AM, be it news, weather, sports, politics, or, well, it doesn’t matter. Nothing of substance is said on the FM stations during the morning. I repeat nothing. As such, I have started doing just AM for my morning drive, and am a better person for it.
Hilary Clinton – I once said I would move to Canada if she became president. Now it appears I may have to eat my words, because I won’t move to Canada. Too cold, and too many hippies. Clinton is poised to be the democratic party’s nominee, and the republicans cannot seem to muster a single person who is likely to beat her. Of course, that is in a one-on-one race, and presidential races aren’t that. It’s about parties, vice-presidential candidates, sponsors, and values. Fortunately for me, the republicans can probably throw a due together that can beat her and whomever she pairs with, but still, this is way too close to call. I was certain nobody in the democratic party would even let her consider running. That was one level of wrong. Here representing the donkey party during a presidential campaign is a special type of top-five-hangover wrong that I really don’t like being. If she wins and becomes the first female president, that takes me to a new level that I’ve never been to, kicked in the groin while having a top 5 hangover. I don’t think anybody wants that.
The New York Knicks – I thought they had put so much into their payroll and paired some stars at the end of their careers with some young hungry players and would be an instant contender. I was way off. They are easily one of the worst teams in the NBA over last few years. As usual, when I do go out on a limb, it breaks.
I know it’s nowhere near 18, that’s the point, remember. Plus, I’m not wrong about things and stuff very often. Also, I didn’t consult with people around me to tell me about other things I’ve been wrong about, so take that into consideration too. As always, I await to be proven wrong.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Reasoning Behind the 18 Reasons
Welcome to my blog “18 Jaded Reasons”. We’re going to kick this off with an introduction about why I chose the title and what I’m gonna do here. Why would I choose such a title, and, really, such an arbitrary number for the title you ask? Don’t lists usually come in 5s? The top 5 songs, top 10 plays, top 15 well, I can’t really think of anything for 15, top 20 grossing movies of all-time, top 25 teams in college football and basketball, top 50 NBA players of all-time? Radio stations will sometimes do kooky things like the Top 8 at 8:00, but really, almost everything else comes in 5s. The #18 doesn’t even hint at relevance as far as ranking and prioritizing things goes.
There are a few common reasons people might assume I’m using 18, let me dismiss them right here in one paragraph. It’s not because 18 was a significant age/birthday for me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed turning 18, registering to vote and buying my first legal pack of smokes, graduating high school, and the majority of my freshman year of college. However, none of that matters because it’s not why I picked 18. Another typical reason would be if 18 was my favorite number for some other reason. Maybe it was my number in high school sports? Nope, 20 was my basketball number, but my jersey didn’t see enough court time to merit a blog title. 18 was the number of my favorite baseball player turned crack head, Darryl Strawberry, but that wasn’t the reason either. Was I born on the 18th? Nope. Seriously, the number has never held any import with me, it just randomly came to me one night several years ago and has been a mainstay of my vernacular ever since.
This is the story of how 18 became a relevant number in my life. The number has been the subject of a running joke for so long that it has eclipsed the standard time-frame for abusing a joke. My friends and I actually use the number 18 regularly in making a point. It has certainly become a part of our lexicon, and it’s entirely my fault, sort of. This tale is the result of a late night drunkfest at my buddy’s house. To make the story short, we shall say we played drinking games for about 6 hours, and then decided to have a few more beers and watch something that was on TV. Well, myself and Mark were having a typical booze-infused, early-morning debate. We were arguing the merits of Kevin Smith as a director, the best Led Zeppelin album, and the pros/cons of me potentially moving to Australia to try and become either a rock star or a successful business person, etc. . .
In any case, my side of the debate kept starting with the phrase “I’ll give you 18 reasons . . .”, or some version of it. Well, at some point after 2 A.M., Randy, who’s house we were at, and who was apparently pay more attention to our ramblings than we had thought, pointed out my arguing strategy of saying I have 18 reasons, listing 5 or 6, and then stumbling into a different area of discussion so I could begin another soon-to-be-doomed list of 18 reasons. Well, over the course of the next month or so, every discussion began with “I’ve got 18 reasons” or a variation of the statement. Every choice was dissected by the “18 reason” strategy, with every laugh coming at my expense. Deciding where to eat, where to drink, what to drink, what movie to watch, whether or not to take a hit at the blackjack tables, or to fold during poker. At some point, it shifted away from the joke, and moved to the regular way we started the group decision making process. That was about 2 years ago.
Now that you have the backstory, here is what this blog is going to be about: arbitrary/stupid arguments with reasons numbering 18. Seriously, that’s it. It’s going to be about my opinions and reactions to different topics, ranging from music, movies, and books, to politics, sports, and current events. The kicker, of course, is that I won’t usually make it to 18 reasons. For those not getting it yet, it’s called irony. If I do get to 18, you can just assume that I’m pretty fired up and have been having the discussion for a while and decided some research was due. In any case, enjoy the upcoming entries, and thank you for reading.
There are a few common reasons people might assume I’m using 18, let me dismiss them right here in one paragraph. It’s not because 18 was a significant age/birthday for me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed turning 18, registering to vote and buying my first legal pack of smokes, graduating high school, and the majority of my freshman year of college. However, none of that matters because it’s not why I picked 18. Another typical reason would be if 18 was my favorite number for some other reason. Maybe it was my number in high school sports? Nope, 20 was my basketball number, but my jersey didn’t see enough court time to merit a blog title. 18 was the number of my favorite baseball player turned crack head, Darryl Strawberry, but that wasn’t the reason either. Was I born on the 18th? Nope. Seriously, the number has never held any import with me, it just randomly came to me one night several years ago and has been a mainstay of my vernacular ever since.
This is the story of how 18 became a relevant number in my life. The number has been the subject of a running joke for so long that it has eclipsed the standard time-frame for abusing a joke. My friends and I actually use the number 18 regularly in making a point. It has certainly become a part of our lexicon, and it’s entirely my fault, sort of. This tale is the result of a late night drunkfest at my buddy’s house. To make the story short, we shall say we played drinking games for about 6 hours, and then decided to have a few more beers and watch something that was on TV. Well, myself and Mark were having a typical booze-infused, early-morning debate. We were arguing the merits of Kevin Smith as a director, the best Led Zeppelin album, and the pros/cons of me potentially moving to Australia to try and become either a rock star or a successful business person, etc. . .
In any case, my side of the debate kept starting with the phrase “I’ll give you 18 reasons . . .”, or some version of it. Well, at some point after 2 A.M., Randy, who’s house we were at, and who was apparently pay more attention to our ramblings than we had thought, pointed out my arguing strategy of saying I have 18 reasons, listing 5 or 6, and then stumbling into a different area of discussion so I could begin another soon-to-be-doomed list of 18 reasons. Well, over the course of the next month or so, every discussion began with “I’ve got 18 reasons” or a variation of the statement. Every choice was dissected by the “18 reason” strategy, with every laugh coming at my expense. Deciding where to eat, where to drink, what to drink, what movie to watch, whether or not to take a hit at the blackjack tables, or to fold during poker. At some point, it shifted away from the joke, and moved to the regular way we started the group decision making process. That was about 2 years ago.
Now that you have the backstory, here is what this blog is going to be about: arbitrary/stupid arguments with reasons numbering 18. Seriously, that’s it. It’s going to be about my opinions and reactions to different topics, ranging from music, movies, and books, to politics, sports, and current events. The kicker, of course, is that I won’t usually make it to 18 reasons. For those not getting it yet, it’s called irony. If I do get to 18, you can just assume that I’m pretty fired up and have been having the discussion for a while and decided some research was due. In any case, enjoy the upcoming entries, and thank you for reading.
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